If You Have To Ask, It’s Too Much: How To Lavishly Overspend For Coachella

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The average weekend spent in the desert for Coachella costs upwards of $1500, a sum amounted by your basic ticket price, hotel stay, transport to the festival and living expenses whilst there. Chatting with people on a budget typically yields how they cut cost via communal camping and hiding booze on their body, but on the fascinating opposite end of the spectrum is a sector of real and pseudo celebs, trust-fund babies and hedge fund dudes spending exorbitant amounts in a three day period with abandon.

Because moving a pricing filter to “Most Expensive” seemed way more fun, we’ve rounded up the ways those with unlimited budget will be taking to Indio mid-April. Our emotional response is slight jealousy combined with a repulsion that people are actually ballin’ out like this.

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Getting There:

Essentially every Angeleno has a PhD in how to deal with traffic. We know how to self sooth by way of affirming that it will all be over soon before a meltdown on our Monday morning commute occurs . What most people who haven’t been to Coachella don’t know is that the I-10 East turns into a block party come Friday, getting 200K attendees out there in slow motion.

Alternative? UberCHOPPER. It’s the first year this type of madness has been made available at the no chill price of $3000. It fits five riders, so essentially whoever you’d pack in an Uber X would make your list. The nicest thing that comes with the price tag and necessity of wearing those over ear headphones is that you likely nix the need for small talk about that script your ‘copter pilot is working on.

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Staying There:

Sweaty 90 degree mornings in a tent with the noises of thousands of strangers roaming around the clock sounds like a commune experience we’ll pass on. Got a rough $9K to throw in the air? Then you could stay at this four-bedroom oasis in Palm Springs, equipped with pool, lush lawns, massive rooms and some sleek looking bathrooms to clean off all that desert dirt. Oh ya, and it was commissioned to be built for Frank Sinatra.

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Ticket Type:

A General Admission wristband for a weekend racks up to about $400, chump change, so why not just get yourself four VIP passes and a secluded rest tent with adjacent parking for $5300? This eliminates your need to lay on a dry grass patch come height of the heatwaves while simultaneously putting you in the ideal position to photobomb paparazzi shots of Vanessa Hudgens in fringe.

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What You’re Wearing:

Ok, now ladies: This is not a drill. We have seen a $2500 Valentino cover-all kimono worn at last year’s adjacent soirees, so that’s our reference point. This year’s spring collection of the Italian house, with tribal themes and Woodstock references galore, hits around $2000-$7000 per piece. Could you sue a frat bro if he spills beer on that? That’s for you to find out.

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Attn boys: Let’s put down the neon tank top with that quote you’ll regret and pick up a collection that was essentially made for this. Japanese designer Junya Watanabe’s spring line for menswear was a top pick during fashion month, and the look with the poncho and oversized hat seem like #mood when that “It’s 3 PM, 100 degrees and drinking through the hangover of day one” feeling rolls in deep. Expect a cool $500-$1500 per patched pant and colorful necklace.

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The Aftermath:

Speaking of hangovers, it’s quite ironic that the rest of the year Angelenos seek solace in Palm Springs/ Joshua Tree in comparison to the mind-losing capabilities most people put themselves through for three days straight. Once off your little mental hiatus from sanity and responsibility, we think it wise that you make a pit stop at We Care Spa, which claims to be the leader of juice fasting and colonics for over 25 years. Stay east for eight day post-recklessness and wash your sins away via kale, apples and “digestive massages” for a minimum of $3000.
Total Damage: Averaging $37K (also known as a brand new Mercedes Coupe, a large chunk of your student loans or a small home in a city in the middle of the U.S. that you haven’t heard of.)

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